You know, a while back, I showed you my self-drawn, self-portrait showing off my rubenesk body with black spots indicating the Cancer on my bones.
I thought it through further and decided it didn't show you the real me and how Cancer can be ugly.
I should admit the outline of the form is one I created in High School Art Class. It was a sculpture. And was my prediction of how I felt about my body then, and how I thought it would look in my old age at 40.
I was a little off on the age part. And the pair of boobies. Other than that, it was very close to its prediction of the future.
The Real Me A Self-Portrait by SW Jensen
And for those of you who want to know what my sculpture looks like, well I still have it.
Self-Sculpture How I Look To Myself by Sharon W Jensen
I fall asleep listening to meditation music (received DVD from my sister and downloaded it into my iPhone.)
Since I received it I have been looking/thinking about what would be a good image for me to meditate upon showing me fighting off the bad cancer cells. One was Democrats fighting off any Republicans that were disturbing my health and wellbeing.
But, today I found just what I was looking for on my SIL's blog:
Thank you Kathy. With this Whipper Snapper's help, I'll be back to my old self soon. Yeehaw!
Today, as the Chief was driving me to an appointment, we were quickly approaching a truck that had it's brake lights on.
Now the Chief and I have different driving styles, to put it mildly. And unfortunately I am a Nervous Nelly passenger. So, I loudly said something about slowing down. Now I know he's a good driver and I also know that saying that to him did not set well, even as I said it.
I turned my head towards him and sweetly said... "Honey, that made me feel a little bit nervous and scared. AND you KNOW I'm supposed to feel calm, peaceful, and joyful at ALL TIMES!!!
We smiled at each other and happily went on our way.
When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about two years ago, it was because of the pain I had been experiencing. As is my custom I had already looked up my symptoms (OMG thanks be to the Internet). And sure enough my wonderful Doc checked all the pressure spots, successfully creating pain in the majority of them.
We were now at the Fibromyalgia starting gate, so to speak. Currently there are about three major drugs used to treat "Fibro." I tried the first pill for about three months and gave it up due to side effects. The second pill didn't even make it that far, again because of side effects.
As an aside I have already lived with arthritis starting in my thirties, along with severe back pain, Chronic Liver Disease, and Hypothyroidism. I survived these many years with the help of powerful arthritis medication. In 1998 I was diagnosed as having Breast Cancer. Caught early by my annual mammogram, with surgery followed by Radiation Treatments, I have gratefully survived that side road.
Then fairly recently in the scheme of things I had symptoms that showed I was in the early stages of Renal Failure due to all the arthritis pills I had taken. Those pills were immediately stopped.
With that bit of medical history out of the way...
I am currently in about my tenth month of trying Cymbalta. But, I am not a happy camper with how it's working.
By the way, I don't fault my doctor for any of my trials finding the "one" that will work. From what I read almost all Fibro patients have the same problem...some can't even find a doctor that understands how the disease works.
Most of these meds have to be stepped up and down for dosing. I started Cymbalta at 30mg for a few months and then was upped to 60mg. I had some side effects but I was really hoping this would work and the side effects would lessen. A few months later I experienced an increase in my chronic depression so the dosage was upped to 90mg.
At that point the side effects really started to emerge:
• Fatigue • Insomnia - up all night with A.M. naps • Increased pain • Intercostal rib pain, front to back • Confined to bed for a week due to pain • Increased "Fibro fog" - confused • Unable to perform normal mental tasks • Blisters on skin • Increased irritability • Forget how to work computer tasks • Increased pain in hip • Body temperature changes hot to cold • Cough • Sneezing (yes sneezing is a side effect) • Forget to do daily tasks • Blurred Vision
You now probably have a mental picture of me sitting in a wheelchair with my head hanging to one side and my tongue coming out the side of my mouth. Well I do have a bright red scooter I use if I go somewhere. And right now I'm in bed pecking at the keyboard on my iPad2.
The other day I saw my doc. I explained what was happening and that I had dropped my dose back down to 60mg.
And then I told him..."Ya know my brain is my best asset and I don't want to lose it because of the meds. And, with all the things I have going on how do we decide which is Fibro and which Is Cancer?"
That is why I have the above pictures of the Russian Stacking Dolls. Say the littlest doll is how we start out in life and the largest doll is how we are now while the other dolls hold all the other medical problems we've lived through. How do we get through all that and find the source of what is currently the problem?
After I asked my question he began writing orders for different tests. Tests for all sorts of things. And then he referred me to a pain doctor. The test results came back ok except for one which required a change in medicine. And it wasn't for the Fibro.
I wanted to write this blog for all the Fibromyalgia patients world wide. I have learned much from them and hope this helps them look at things a little differently.
Most of the side effects I listed above are true side effects of the medicine. But they are also symptoms of Fibromyalgia. We need to keep in mind that just because it is a symptom of the disease doesn't necessarily mean it is from the disease. Read about the other medical problems you may have. And most importantly, read about the side effects of the medicine you're taking.
Yes, that is rain. Rain in winter. Near Chicago. Only one day after a huge snow storm. In fact, you can see the last of a remaining pile of plowed snow. And, guess what? It snowed again two days later.
The cycle of life.
For about two years now I have, on occasion, fallen out of bed. This is a bad thing because I have had difficulty in getting back into bed. I've talked about this topic before. Like the time I was visiting my mom and fell between the wall and the bed.
So far, knock on wood, I haven't had any injuries of any significance. And, I hadn't had a fall for several months, leading me to think it wasn't going to happen again.
HA!
So, a couple of weeks ago, it did happen again. I had one of my very animated dreams. I was trying to show someone how big the fish in the lake were. I stretched my arms out. You know, like a fisherman does. It was when I couldn't stretch them any further that I fell.
And, this time I knocked my face, cheek and chin, along with my upper arm into my nightstand. Not serious, but hurt none-the-less. Luckily, after remembering some helpful tricks a physical therapist gave me, I was able to get back into bed without too much difficulty.
Unfortunately, this fall was the last straw for the Chief. He worries about me enough and he had had enough of this falling business. Now we had discussed various ways to stop me from falling out of bed before. But, this time he wasn't kidding around. The words "bed rail" kept coming up again and again. Out of his mouth, mind you, not mine.
"No, no, no" came out of mine. I searched for alternative solutions. I'm rather good at problem solving (LOL).
We could take away the bed frame and be closer to the floor. Uh, no 'cause I wouldn't be able to get down or up.
We could buy a King size bed (we have a Queen). Sounded good until I saw how much they cost, plus all the new linens, etc., etc.
We could put a room divider between the bed and nightstand. Tried it, I couldn't reach the light or anything else.
Then, all of a sudden, the chief spoke "HOSPITAL BED"! I'm not kidding. "Hospital Bed." Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
It was at that point my mind quickly went to a compromise. A new tactic I learned from our POTUS.
Bed Rails.
Of course I put many qualifications on what it could look like, how big it was, and could I handle it without calling the Warden. After searching the internet for a few days, I finally settled on one that was black. Quite fashionable, I thought, as opposed to the hospital "stainless steel" most were. It was adjustable in length, so I could get out of bed without taking it off. And, it could be folded down when not in use. No shipping costs. Returnable to store. Done deal.
After the bed rail arrived the Chief put it together. Wrong at first. But pretty good for not reading the instructions prior to assembling. I kid. We fooled around with where exactly it should be placed and once set, went to bed.
I have to be honest. It was the best night's sleep I'd had in a long time.
Time to activate a new cell phone. We have a Family Plan. So, in addition to myself and the Chief having cell phones, we also have under the Family Plan phones for my daughter and two of my grandchildren.
Now, with five phones, you'd think I'd have this "activation" thing down pat. Not so. We have a two year contract so once a phone is activated it is basically "done" for two years. Then, of course, the service can make many changes in procedure during those two years. And does.
This time my daughter was up for a new phone. I read the "activate new phone" instructions and was set to go. The written instructions said to start off by turning the charged phone on and then dial *228. And then, follow prompts. Easy. Turned it on. The screen said to press **** something other than the *228. Okay. The prompts came on: enter 1 if you are an american citizen or 2 if you are an illegal alien (boy, that was new!)
Anyway, after entering several different bits of information the robot lady started to ask me if I wanted to also sign on to blah, blah, blah. I hate this. Credit cards do the same thing. After you call the 1-800 number they transfer you to someone who wants to sell you insurance, an extended warranty, or something else. I pressed 2 'cause I definitely did not want to purchase anything else. And, then it happened. I was transferred to a real human.
Hi, I'm Jane Doe, what can I do for you today?
Nothing, really, I'm just activating my new cell phone.
Please tell me what happened.
Well, I.................blah, blah.
Okay, are you on the new phone now?
Yes.
Okay, please give me another phone number to call you and keep the new phone on.
Okay. Ring, Ring. Hi.
Hi, okay I'm going to lead you through the steps.
Okay.
Press, enter, press, enter....blah, blah.
Uh oh, it's starting to transfer me again.
Okay, end the call. And, let's start over.
Ok.
She repeated the steps. And, then she got to the one about the warranty.
I said: I don't want that.
You have to have that to get a new phone. It's the extension of your two year plan.
Uh, oh. Of course I have to renew the contract. I thought they were trying to sell me something extra. I guess it would be good of me to pay attention and not be so cynical... You know you're dealing with a Senior Citizen who has a cell phone up to each ear. Funny to see.
She laughed. It's okay, I'm almost there myself. So, you're all set. Is there anything else I can help you with?
No, not with the phone, but there are sure a lot of others things you could help with.
Both of us laughing. (Well, it seemed funny to me at the time.)
Clouds on A Stormy Fall Day 2010. Photo by Sharon.
This morning I awoke to weather alerts announcing the potential for tornadoes. A Tornado Watch had been issued. Which means, the weather is just right to produce tornadoes. And, according to the weather map, the alert was for all across the midwest.
Granted, this is much better than a Tornado Warning. Which means one has been sighted in your area and you had better duck and cover (I don't have a basement). But, for me, the "Watch" means WATCH! The high winds of 70 mph had already toppled, in some areas, trees and old structures. When I announced the alerts to the Chief, he was his normal blase self.
I was going to be alone while he did some errands. I decided (ah, we do have choices) to look at the wonderful storm clouds rather than worry about the tornadoes. It was a good choice. By the time I finished taking the pictures below, the alert was over.
I love these photographs. And, I am constantly amazed at the photos on my blog because they are ALL taken through my windows.
Are you afraid of something? I mean like a phobia of a specific thing? Do you remember how you found out you were afraid? One horrible winter day, when I was in my very early teens, I had an experience I will never forget.
My girlfriend and I decided to take a walk from the older side of town to a new addition that was being built. In between the two locations was a vast wild field. A small creek flowed through the meadow, although we did not know it at the time. "Cuz this was an adventure!"
There was about six inches of snow over the ground, blown away in some parts, with high drifts in others. Even so, do you think we wore boots? Ha! Never on your tintype. As we walked along, our feet would sometimes break through a crust of ice between the snow and the ground, and our shoes would get wet from the melting ice beneath. The walking was hard work and it would take a bit of time to get to our destination.
About three-quarters of the way we finally came upon the creek. Now that I think of it, it was probably a drainage ditch rather than a creek. But, creek sounds better for the story. It was about 20 feet across with an immediate drop to about four feet below. The water was frozen.
We would never have dared to walk across it, knowing that the ice would probably break. But, we were in luck. There was a huge cement pipe coming out of the ground, going across the ditch, and entering the ground on the other side. It was a huge pipe, maybe four to five feet in diameter, making it easy peasy to cross. Aha, a bridge!!!
My friend went first. Not slowly, but carefully, as I watched. Okeedookee, my turn. I took a few steps and got out almost to the middle when I looked down. I don't know what happened to me, but I couldn't move any further. My friend yelled at me to "come on." But, I was frozen in place. "I can't!" I yelled back.
And, I couldn't. Standing there, my two feet secured themselves on the cement pipe, my arms out to my side like a circus tight rope walker. Nope, those feet weren't about to go anywhere. I think I was in a state of mortal fear. "Walk!" she said. "I can't move!" I answered.
And, there we were. But, where was superman when I needed him. "Go baaaack!" she said. "I can't move!" I answered. I couldn't even move my head. I was like one of those wax figures in Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.
Time stood still.
I was frantically thinking I had to do something. But, what? I finally decided to lower myself down on the pipe so I would be straddling it, rather than standing. "Good, crawl over to me!" she said. "No, I can't!"
I ended up butt walking, more or less, backwards to the beginning of the pipe and was able to crawl onto the ground. I could breathe once more.
I had been terrified, helpless and cold. I couldn't feel my feet anymore. My face was covered with frozen tears. I needed my mommy.
My parents weren't home that day. Fortunately, the minister of my church lived close by. We stopped there. I told my sad story through more tears. Telling him that my feet were frozen and I feared frostbite. He and his wife took care of me very tenderly and seriously. Just the right combination for dealing with a young teenager: I felt loved and I was being taken seriously.
So, that's my story about discovering I was afraid of heights. Well, not exactly heights. Just anything above ground level. Even today, if I am going down or up stairs, I suffer from vertigo. And, don't even ask me about driving in the mountains!
My regret is, I never had an opportunity to tell Alfred Hitchcock my story. I think it would have made a good movie.
Oh, and what brought all this to mind is a video that my dear Roger Ebert had on his blog. Hold on and enjoy.
I have them, too. Here are a few of my favorite people quotes:
George Carlin: "Think off-center."
Roger Ebert: "The Muse visits while you are writing, not before."
Ernest Hemingway via Roger Ebert: "Isn't it pretty to think so."
That's sufficient for the moment. The video clip below is delightful. Not only is George Carlin being interviewed, he is being interviewed by a recent new favorite of mine Jon Stewart.
The clip is over 10 years old and they both look younger. But, I was amazed at how cute Jon looked. I'm going to write him and suggest he dye his hair and re-create that wonderful curl dangling down on his forehead... just as soon as I finish this.
I hope you enjoy the video. If not, oh well then, I have led you astray.
Validations. They come at the best times don't they?
I've worked most of my life. As a single mother for quite awhile, my life consisted of work and taking care of my daughter. At one point I worked my way up to a Department Manager in our local hospital. I supervised, hired, fired, did budgets, wrote proposals, became accredited in the field. I hated it. I did it very well for about 16 years. But, I hated it and the stress from that hate wore my health down.
After several layoffs at different places I wanted to retire early due to my health...and with the real opportunity of being able to do so, I did (thank you Chief).
My mom told me later she thought I would be unhappy when I retired, losing the validations I received through my job.
But, guess what? I found I could do other things that I never had the time for before. As a volunteer, I learned how to edit videos for broadcasting on our local community television station. It was the first time my "creative" side was demonstrated to the outside world. And I received many good validations for my effort.
My health deteriorated further the last year or so. The editing I loved to do, and did about 40 hours each week, ceased. I became somewhat limited in my physical abilities. Always loving the computer, I decided to try my hand at blogging about 11 months ago.
Recently my mom said to me "Sharon, I didn't know you could write!" Well, I didn't know either. I keep plugging away. Some readers and friends have told me I have a "gift." Sometimes I write about memories, sometimes about current events. Mostly, I write about looking out my window.
And, it's just amazing how much I see from my window. Everyday is like a field trip in my office chair. Right this very moment I am watching the Canadian Geese migrate from one window pane to another.
My hope is I can give a giggle or a warm snuggle to a reader... to someone who needs just that, just then. And ultimately, perhaps, the feeling that they are on a field trip, too.
